- Adolescence: The period when a teenager feels he will never be as dumb as his parents
- Americans: People with more timesaving devices yet less time than anybody else in the world
- Autobiography: A history of cars
- Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do
- Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
- Belong: To take your time
- Book: a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman
- Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically
- Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular
- Coach: One who is always willing to lay down your life for his job
- Coffee: Break fluid
- Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
- Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
- Dentist: A magician who puts metal in your mouth and pulls coins from your pocket
- Dermatologist: One who makes rash judgments
- Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock
- Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way
- Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete
- Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge
- Efficiency Expert: The person smart enough to tell you how to run a business but too smart to start his own
- Experience: The name we give our mistakes
- Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist
- Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers
- Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
- Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
- Ground beef: A cow with no legs
- Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
- Hanging: A suspended sentence
- Honeymoon: A vacation a man takes before beginning work under a new boss
- Hunch: An idea you're afraid is wrong
- Intense: Where campers sleep
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer
- Lame Duck: A politician whose goose is cooked
- Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
- Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once
- Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance
- Observatory: What George Washington asked his spies to do
- Pacifist: A guy who fights everybody but the enemy
- Paradox: Two physicians
- Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
- Paralyze: Two untruths
- Planning: The art of putting off until tomorrow what you have no intention of doing today
- Polynesia: memory loss in parrots
- Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep
- Relief: What trees do in the spring
- Rich Man: One who is not afraid to ask the clerk for something cheaper
- Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does
- Sesame: A seed useful for opening caves
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark
- Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
- Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them
- Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly
- Tact: The ability to see others as they wish to be seen.
- Tact: The art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.
- Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension
- Teenager: An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes
- Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
- Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day
- Warehouse: What you ask when you are lost
- Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home
| This is based on a humorous mailing from Mikey's Funnies, an informal service of Youth Specialties. Mikey emails a wholesome funny once a day if you subscribe to his service. Thanks, Mikey ! |  |